Ladies and Gentlemen, THIS is your National Champion. An interview with Alex Johnson

We'll start with the basics: Please state your name, age, and hometown(s) for the record.

Alex Johnson, 19, Hudson, WI. For the record.

You’re only 19? Shit, I feel old. You’re a Midwest girl, but you're in Colorado now. Can we still claim you, or have you become one of "them"?

I am, and will always be, from Wisconsin. Although tomorrow I am getting new plates and my license changed, please, claim all you want.

You shocked everyone by winning the Vail World Cup Comp, and continued your roll at this year’s Nationals. Do you buy your steroids from pro baseball players, or do you just get them off the mean streets of Fort Collins?

Fort Collins is definitely not the place. They’re much more available in Boulder. They have organic, too.

So why bouldering? Can we expect you to do some "real" hard climbing in the future?

Bouldering because I am afraid of lead falling. But I am not against sport! There’s just more of an abundance of boulders in Colorado than cliffs.

Which female climber has influenced you the most?

Lately it’s been Kelly and Lisa. I grew up climbing with guys, though. Shout out to Brian Camp.

You coach youth climbers, right? Which young female climbers do you see with the most potential?

Past tense on coached, unfortunately. The kids I worked with are Minnesota-bred. There are a bunch of strong kids in MN! Some of them were at the Youth Nationals. Everyone better watch out.

You're a role model now. There’s a young male climber, who's pretty damn strong, named Alex Johnson, also from the Midwest. Have you thought about suing him for the rights to the name, as it applies to climbing?

Do you really think I’m a role model? I’m pretty sure he’s from Chicago. The first time he appeared, people thought I registered myself in the wrong category. It hurt my feelings that they thought I was that dumb!

Of course you’re a role model… take your recent trip to Bishop as an example. Besides a couple of V9 flashes, you made impressive sends of "Evilution" (to the lip- V10), and "Mystery" (V12), which you called your hardest yet. A little birdie told me it wasn't all about the climbing while in Bishop.... care to elaborate?

I’ll pass on the elaborating for now, but this birdie seems to have been getting around! Thanks on the props, and I’m returning to Bishop March 12^th.

V13. What does it mean to you... and when will we see it go down?

Hard As Shit; and when Puccio does Nothing but Sunshine.

I've been trying like hell in my songs to create a rivalry between you and Alex Puccio. What would it take to get you two to wrestle or kickbox or something? Who would win?

Wo pony, speak of the devil! I would get my ass kicked, I’m a horrible fighter.

What we all really want to know is... have you ever kissed a girl? Tongue?

Have not, and probably never will, sorry. Something about girls grosses me out. No offense to any girls.

I’m not grossed out by girls. I've heard you don't like ice cream. You're aware that means you have an unfair advantage over the rest of us when it comes to strength/weight ratio, right? What are your vices?

You mean besides the unfair advantage I constantly hear about by being taller than everyone else? I should be unstoppable now! Ice cream hurts my teeth. I have a horrible addiction to Taco Bell and Cherry Coke. I may need an intervention soon.

Mmm…. Meximelts. So you're also a badass pole vaulter. I was a pole vaulter! Think you could get me a date with your teammate who won the Conference Meet?

I WAS a pole vaulter, and not really a badass one. I think you may have mistaken me for my teammate and one of my best friends, Lauren, who is currently single. She’ll be in Vail for the World Cup, I’ll introduce you.

You’d be my new favorite person. So who's your favorite middle aged white climbing rapper? Your answer to this question will determine how I make you look in this interview...

Well you of course! Silly. Have you met Dan Dewell? MC Boondoggle! Maybe you could do a duet. Odub featuring Boondoggle!

I’m down. Hook it up. One thing though…George Michaels? I mean.... George Michaels??? Please explain yourself before I show this video....

One of the most amazing songs to sing and dance along with. You can’t disagree. Come on, I’m my mother’s daughter, I grew up with all that kind of music! So fantastic.